Wait, what?

2010-06-13T15:42:00.003-04:00

So it seems as though the more I have to say, the harder a time I have saying it.

_____

It's amazing how hearing one song can bring you back to a place that you thought you were out of.

_____

It's not fair... the way life works. Why God takes people out of this world when he does.

_____

Mmmmmmm strawberry smoothie

2010-05-27T00:51:00.001-04:00

I don't want to impose on you, on your life now.
Though I want to talk.
I'd be lying if I said "I didn't miss you" too.
I still don't fully understand or know what happened.
What if it was me? Do I want to know?
I've fought a lot of battles since then.
No doubt you have too.
I've come a long way.
So to answer you... yes.
I care.
I don't think I ever stopped.

2010-05-27T00:29:00.002-04:00

Had a call this week that was absolutely crazy.
Eye opening.
Uhm, wow.
Gonna be stuck on this one for a while.
And I know its going to come up sometime in the future again as well.
But at least I know that whatever comes of this, I did my job.
It's not the kind of thing I'm worried about because I screwed up.
No.
I know without a doubt that my partner and I did what we were supposed to.
We did all that we could.
And we did it well.
Though now there's lots of paperwork, interviews, lots of talking, and not enough sleeping.
You never know what to expect when you go on a call.
Never.
It's nice to actually be needed once in a while though.
You know, for a legit emergency.
Instead of transporting 80 year old people to and from dialysis.
And underage drunks with fake ids from college campuses to the emergency department so they can sober up and then go out to do it again the next night.
And people who get papercuts on their lip.
I think I should write a book about some of the things I've seen.
Maybe my Uncle and I can collaborate.
"Tales Of An EMT And A Wedding Planner."
Hahahah.
Okay, time for some fresh clean sheets, comfy blankets, nyquil, a slushie from DQ and some Young Frankenstein.
:)

2010-05-09T22:49:00.006-04:00

I want to talk to you. But I'm afraid that you're upset with me. I never wrote back to you. I'm sorry. I've got a couple letters sitting in a box next to yours, letters that were never sent. Because I'm scared.

And now it's been so long, that I don't even know where to start. Is a simple 'hello' enough? Not enough?

There's things I want to say. But words don't come easy. They never have.

So, where do we start? How does 'hello' sound?

2010-04-29T21:04:00.003-04:00

These past two weeks have been some of the most frustrating weeks I've had in a long time. Mostly due to work. I love what I do, don't get me wrong. Though being in the field that I'm in, it's not always easy. There are things that you see, calls you go on that affect you in ways that you cannot prepare yourself for. There are some moments you witness of people's lives, the precious and the heart breaking, that just cannot be put into words. Nor should they.

Then there are the times when you do what you know is right. But something happens that causes you to doubt the choices you made and the care that you rendered. And you move on.

So, not related to work. I'm confused. But, what's new? ;)

Zofran is a miracle drug. I will warn you, though, it tastes TERRIBLE. At first you're fooled into thinking that it has a not so bad strawberry flavor. But then it turns on you. It is, after all, medicine. But it works wonders for nausea.

Dealing with the consequences of your actions... it sucks sometimes. Okay, most of the time. But you learn from your mistakes. And you "keep moving forward." And with that, I think I need to go watch Meet The Robinsons and go to bed.

2010-04-21T18:50:00.004-04:00

Brains need to come with off switches. If I could stop thinking and stop doubting myself and everything I did on that call. I hate this feeling, and the anticipation of not knowing what is going to happen, not knowing the outcome, blah blah blah.

I did two doubles back to back. 7am-11pm then 8am-12am. I don't ever recommend that. Especially not with about an hours drive to work and then from work in between. Yuck. But after that, and then the overnight I'm doing tonight I will be off Thursday, Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. Yeah!!

Okay, nap time before work.

2010-04-13T22:25:00.002-04:00

My brother turns 25 tomorrow. He's got a son that will be turning 3 on May 1st and a 15 month old daughter. That's crazy!

Speaking of, my brother and his family will be coming up here for a week in May. He and his wife will be going on a little getaway and my mother and I will have the two kiddies for the week.

I'm excited. Just a bit. ;-)

2010-04-13T19:27:00.002-04:00

I need to stop letting myself get so attached and excited about things, only to be let down.

My happiness can't be dependent upon someone else.

But it urks me that its the small things that get to me.

I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.

2010-04-06T20:51:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I'm stuck. And feeling awful. It started out as fun. And now I think I've got myself into a sticky situation. I hate that I am so torn, too. It's like I know what's right, but I don't want it. I want to have fun, I want to be accepted. It feels good when people like you. But at what point have you gone too far?

Why must the right thing to do always be so hard? What if I mess up? What if I know what I'm doing is wrong and still do it anyways? Is there grace and forgiveness for that, too?

I know me. And I never thought I would find myself in this place, having to make these decisions. Or even think about these things. But, here I am.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" Romans 7:15-24

Unexpected Things

2010-02-15T00:17:00.002-05:00

So today turned out to be a really great day. I went to church on my own to a place where I didn't know anyone. I then drove around, had Chinese for lunch with a friend, then did some more driving around. Then a friend from work called me up and we went bowling. It was really random and quite fun. If you know me, I don't really do these things. I'm kinda proud of myself for it. :) And I made a new friend. Sounds corny, I know. But hey that's alright. It's been a good day. And this week is looking pretty good too. Yay.

Where'd this come from?

2010-02-12T22:28:00.003-05:00

You ever have that desperate feeling? That feeling that if something does not change, right this instant, you're not going to be able to make it? That feeling of needing something to hold on to, something real, something that you can see and you can touch, that you can cling to?

I believe in God. But I don't feel anything. I don't feel any different. I know all the right things to say. I know all the 'right' answers. But I need something more. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. It's not enough for me anymore to just 'know' that I'm loved. That I'm safe in God's arms. That God is in control. I need to feel something. Is that really so wrong? Maybe it is. Probably. But that's how I feel.

It's all words right now. And I need more than that.

Moon

2010-01-21T23:32:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I fall back into old habits.
Sometimes I fall hard.

I've been cleared and out on the road for 5 weeks now.
I love my job. I really do.

Last weekend I got to see my roommate, Hannah.
Hannah freakin' Thomas.
It had been over a year since I'd seen her last.
Boy was it wonderful!!

My 'cousin' got married.
It was a beautiful wedding.

Hannah and I went into the tractor supply store before the wedding. We were all dressed up and looking at John Deere stuff. And boots. It was fantastic. Then this older guy looked us up and down and made a comment. Which was awkward. So we ran away to the register and I bought a John Deere t-shirt. Yay.

I keep deleting everything else I write. So I'll call it a night.

Nighters. :)

Half.Way.There

2009-12-11T23:28:00.003-05:00

Long time no post. Nothing new there!

Things have been outrageously busy here. Two weeks ago I started a new job. The first week was 40 hours of orientation, then this week I finally got to get out on the road and start my training. For most of the week things were going rough. But then today I got put with two people that I really worked well with, and I did my job good. :) I would write more, but I just got home after 4 hours of sleep last night and then a 16 hour shift today. And I don't remember half of it. Haha. More to come later. One more week of training and then I'll be cleared.

Sometimes, I really surprise myself. Today was one of those "sometimes." :-)

The Shadow Proves The Sunshine

2009-11-26T20:46:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. Family, good food, and more food. Also found out about a new show that I am in love with, called Cake Boss.

Anywho, time for bed. Up early (or maybe 2:30am is to be considered late...) to do some shopping with a friend. This is the first time I've ever ventured out on black friday, so we'll see how it goes. :)

Lift your eyes up

2009-11-26T01:02:00.008-05:00

Not to be all Debbie-Downer here... Especially not now. On Thanksgiving. But I just don't understand why I feel so terrible. :-(

Things are going great. I start a new job on Monday in a field that I love and am so excited to be working in. I get to spend Thanksgiving with my grandparents for the first time in at least 10 years (It may be more since they've been gone for the past 18 years, but at a certain point my brain just doesn't remember things!) I'm extremely blessed by God with loving parents, wonderful friends, a safe and warm house, food every day, good health and SO much more. And yet, I feel so lonely. Abandoned. Detached. The intensity of this sadness threatens to destroy me at times.

But, life moves on. Time stops for no one.

And so I know that I will make it through. I have no other choice. But I am scared because it feels like I am taking small steps backwards. I know where I have been, and I know that I do not ever want to go back there.

I may have a hard time putting things into words on here, but I've got an even harder time saying those things out loud. And so, I decided to just spit all that out on here for now. I almost feel like I should apologize for this post, but then again it is my blog. ;-)

Come on, come on, lift your eyes up. Lift your eyes up, to the hills.
Come on, come on, lift your eyes up. Lift your eyes up, to the hills.

Nonsense

2009-11-19T23:13:00.004-05:00

I've been sitting at the computer for longer than I'd like to admit, with this same blank white screen staring back at me.

Sometimes, I have these moments. I wish that I could explain them. I wish that I could put these things inside of me into words. But I can't. Not now. And I hate that.

My Life

2009-11-18T23:18:00.001-05:00

Yupp

2009-11-12T22:53:00.004-05:00

It's officially official. I got the job. :-) I start full-time with an ambulance company on November 30th. There's a lot I've got to get done between then and now. Or, now and then. And the more I think about it the more nervous I get. But I am excited. And stressed. And worried.
Ugh. Can't I just enjoy it for a bit?! Jenn, Jenn, Jenn.

My parents are driving south tomorrow to visit my family. I wish I could go. I mean, I definitely do not envy their 9.5 hour drive. But I most definitely miss my little guy Leighton who is 2 1/2 and my little M&M who will be 10 months old on Sunday. (Leighton calls her Em-Em, but when he says it it sounds just like M&M - so cute) Last I saw them was in August. And the next time I see them will be on Christmas. They grow up so fast.

Moving Forward?

2009-11-02T21:30:00.004-05:00

So, I think it's finally beginning to hit me.

And to be honest, it scares me. A lot.

Can I really do this??

Corn Maze

2009-10-31T14:59:00.003-04:00

So, since the last time I posted I have:
1) Finished my EMT course
2) Taken my state written and practical exams
3) Applied to many places for a job
4) Heard back from the first place I applied to and had an interview

I had the interview on Tuesday, on Thursday they called my references, and then on Friday they called me to set up a drug test, physical, functional exam, etc. They said that as long as I pass all those things, they will call to set me up for orientation. I'm excited. Nervous, but definitely excited. :-)

I don't really know what else to say. I can't begin to tell you how many posts I have written, re-written, and then deleted.

I've been having a hard time recently.

Oh, and our last open house went well. There was a younger couple who came by and they were extremely excited. And they already have a deposit on their house, so they are looking to buy soon. So, we'll see how that goes.

I've had this screen open on my computer for the last 3 hours, hoping I'd come up with something more to say. But, alas.

Nifty!

2009-07-17T20:38:00.001-04:00

Signs

2009-07-09T00:20:00.002-04:00

The Sky Is Falling!

2009-06-25T19:57:00.006-04:00

Well, okay, not really. But the roof is leaking. Or, was. It's better now. But it sure made for an interesting day. In a bookstore.

You know what movie is awesome? The Emperor's New Groove. You know what movie is really not awesome? Kronk's New Groove.

And now, a great song by Jars of Clay - Two Hands

And I shall leave you with such an amazing song - How He Loves. Here it is performed by the David Crowder Band. Sadly there is no video, but at least you can listen to the song over and over and over again! You can find the guy who originally wrote and performed the song, along with him talking about it, here.

Fun Web Things

2009-06-21T20:57:00.004-04:00

This is a fun game thingy. Beautiful piano music and something to fill time. And this is a fun puzzle/thinking game.

If I knew how to upload a YouTube video on here I would. But, I don't. So you get links.
This is an awesome stop motion video done by a students at an art college. If only I had that kind of creativity!
This here is a music video I found. I don't know how they do this kind of stuff. It amazes me.

So, enjoy!